NO. Gender. Abuse.

• May 17, 2020

A reader may be perplexed by the use of a title that leads into a scratching mind-game, as an intellectual would term it. Are you? Well, let us dig a bit deeper into defining it – word-by-word.

NO: No Objection; No Ownership; No Oppression; Or simply, NO.

Gender: Male or Female, right? Wrong. To be read as: Bisexual, Straight, Gay, Transgender

Abuse: Four letter words? Nah! Although I shall expand this later, but it begins with the silent communication through five senses. Touch, Smell, See, Hear, Taste.

Make a Connection. Say NO to Abuse by/for/of any Gender.

Let us start to define abuse, and when does the seed become the germ? Flashback your lives to the time where memory fails. If you have a bright spark, you may reach age 4.

Abuse begins much early. It is when you make a choice of a set of parents to be born – as seers would say, to learn some lessons/karma theory. It begins when you are just planted as a seed in a mother’s womb. How you get planted, is where the case in question begins. And, make no mistake. It is not only if the male participant was forceful/ rapist/non-accepting (of course, most cases it may be the patriarchy) in the ‘act’, but the fe-male (physical body of a woman may have more of male-ness in with-in) can also be the violent role-player of being intrusive, obsessive and passively-active into forceful impregnation.

This is STEP 1 of Abuse. Of which, you are a helpless victim.

This helpless-ness is a continuum by so-called “adults,” and should be forgiven till you become an Adult – in chronological age, not necessary in being.

Till you reach a reasonable adult age, approved by legal honchos, of 18 years (now is reducing in a quick time space of a 12 year old, as I they open their mouths and minds!), you are in a constant abusive space of adults – homemade parental weapon wars (weapons to be read as mouth, hands, feet), grandparents ego-ic (misnomer termed heroic) saviour behaviour patterns for their own kin (son or daughter – you don’t matter, a child!), neighbourhood prying judgemental eyes (ill- legal guardians of this galaxy’s correctional therapists), school teachers (moral in their own immoral behavioural patterns of control therapy), relatives (to be read as incest infusing freaks), and so on so forth.

This is STEP 2 of Abuse. Again, you are partially disabled/challenged child-adult in the situation. You are dependent, and forgiven with scars and wounds that will now attract more of it.

It is here one has to learn and unlearn.

Learn definition of Abuse, while unlearning it.

So let us use a case in scenario. You have lived through STEP 2 and now are in the world. Let us say you have checked all the correct boxes – done well academically, socially and have become master of many masks ranging from scholar badges, parents presenting you as their achievements in the drawing room conversations as well as, you have stepped-up by wearing the toughest mask of a Happy Family/ Family is most important/ Family holidays so on and so forth.

Technically, you have a body of a man or a woman as the third gender (if it was in STEP 1) is already wailing somewhere else. Your scars/ wounds are well covered/suppressed in some corner – till you stand on the threshold of fresh abuse of a partner.

Here is where Gender will do a walk-in.

Thus, a straight (if straight really knows their sexual preference) will have a partner termed “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”; a gay will have same sex partner; a transgender will be oscillating still trying to fit-in.

Let us also bring the NO here, that we had left behind. All definitions inclusive.

If your partner makes you feel any of the NO definitions, you are being Abused. It may be as subtle as uttering a “you don’t know anything so shut-up” (with a cynical laugh or in an anger – you have been abused. If you accept this, abuse raises it’s bar up by moving into “who has more power mentally and emotionally” (physical does not need a mention, it is so gross!).

Let me define mental & emotional power games that adults play, any Gender.

The male gender of course has (never had) no sense of any spatial boundaries. As HE owns it all. Hence, if you are a daughter, you are owned by a father and a brother; if you are a wife, then the ownership is shared between father, father-in-law with mother-in-law and son/s; if you are a working woman outside your home, this boundary extends further in hierarchy of male-ness in the surrounding spaces. You are in the last rung of this long ladder of self-proclaimed owners, who stand on your shoulders (or wherever they can find a foot-hold) and then expect your to move their ladder the way they want.

So it starts by, “I have to ask my husband/father/brother/son as they may not like it,” to a very simple act of going out with friends (ok – girlfriends!) with a fear factor of doing so without permission and then justifying “his” unjustifiable anger upon return – “He is right, something may have happened; he is just being protective as he loves me.”

This is not love. It is an abuse of power. Simple.

While Male-ness have played this game for generations, now the power abuse has also shifted it’s position to the so-called (dis) empowered women, demanding equal male rights (as if it is a star quality!).  While the bedroom politics has shifted ‘positions’, women assert that even if they are not working outside of their homes, the partner (who may have a 12 hour job) must do 50% of sharing home-work – Just Do It baby! Men/ husband suffer the insufferable, as they do not want to have a verbal chaos after a long day/night job OR some smart alecs start “travelling on work,” to have some peace in their lives.

This is abuse, Man. Get out!

Now, let us focus on Love. The most used and abused word/feeling/relationship.

The so-called lovers come in many forms, in various packages.

The 18 – 30 years: We meet; we “discuss” in coffee lounges/hotels rooms/parks as is convenient to the power-ful partner’s choice of “respect.”

Well, if you are hidden, introduced as a “friend” or never invited home by your partner…

You are being abused.

The 30 and 65 (divorced/single by choice/widow): You are lonely; meet committed partners; offered intense attraction due to lame reasons of “non-compatible housewife/husband”, “no meaningful conversation at home,” “cannot commit as I am liberal/ empowered/ open”… blah, blah…; your meetings are discreet, mostly telephonic, late night conversations, partner is away, caveats on calling/meeting socially…..

You are being abused.

Beyond the 70’s

You are now a senior citizen. You may be financially independent but emotionally/mentally dependent on the children you raised. These very hands/minds/heart that raised them, are now being subjugated to could not care/do it yourself/demands of financial support/you do not know anything…

You are being abused.

Conclusive diagram

It is not that the above writing is an eye-opener; It is not even an empowerment bhashan.

Because, each one of our nerve in the vein of life knows when abuse happens.

We have never learnt to say NO. Our grain, cells, bone, marrow shrieks. But, we never say NO to Abuse.

What does it entail? Why do we refuse to say NO? Fear loneliness?

Do you see your abuser holding your hand in this mirage of relationships? Never.

Signs/Language of Abuse

  • You have no sense on what you talk/eat/dress/think/read/listen/watch
  • Do not give your stupid opinions in front of my friends/family/colleagues
  • It is my house and your opinion does not matter/should not be spoken/ asserted
  • I love you so much, but I have my family/wife/children thus we need to be discreet; Don’t call me, I will call you (waiting endlessly is YOUR job);
  • We can’t meet/recognize/introduce socially, as you know how media may think/act/make stories
  • I am the father and this is my decision (to a divorced/single daughter) on who will stay in my house. Although, I would not like you to leave, but then you can decide if this situation does not suit you (daughter vs her children; daughter vs society; daughter vs servants – in any situation, daughter is the last choice)
  • I do not care about what society/ parents think, but I need my comfort and thus you will have to see my comfort first
  • You are a bystander in and around abusive situations, as an equal participant
  • You are scared of a person who is your family/friend/partner/colleague
  • You are receiving text messages/phone calls/ social media messages from a person to whom you may have said YES at a certain point in time, but now you have said NO

Caution: Gender’s, if you are in a physical and foul language relationship/s, then you are not what God created.

Law says:

NOTHING, unless there are signs of physical abuse, the law says NOTHING to mental and emotional abuse. There are cases that takes years to come to a conclusion, if any, for emotional and mental abuse.

Well, stand up and stand out. See, Hear, Smell Freedom with Respect.

Walk out and walk away – as Grace has bestowed you this being for respecting and loving yourself. If you allow abuse to happen, you have abused the power of Grace/God/Energy, whatever you would like to call this force.

Say NO to Abuse. Right at the very moment. NOW!

Read

Ø  Don’t Say Yes When You Want to Say No: Making Life Right When It Feels All

by Herbert Fensterheim Ph.D. (Author), Jean Baer (Author)

Ø  Emotional Abuse Breakthrough Scripts: 107 Empowering Responses and Boundaries to Use With Your Abuser by Barrie Davenport  (Author)

Section:: Empowered Gender

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